Sunday, April 08, 2012

I talk about not making a rash decision when in my heart of hearts I have already made up my mind. I wouldn't even consider the termination of my current relationship with the English gentleman if I was happy.

The feeling of freedom has slowly ebbed away, especially since the Scottish laird has left the Antipodes. He was my final link to my Southern Island adventures, and I clung to him more physically than I care to remember. We spent his final day and the night together; talking, swimming, dining, drinking, loving and it felt so right. I cannot deny the attachment that I have formed for him but it is futile with the growing distance between us. Nevertheless, there is hope of a reconciliation on my own return to the Shire, one that I would gladly hasten. 

Of course, I shouldn't flout my endeavours over the last few days considering I still have an understanding with the English gentleman. Indeed he shall hear nothing of my weekend's antics, but the Scottish laird made me feel safe, and happier than I've felt in a long time. It's not that I've been unhappy, I just hadn't noticed I could be happier.

Is happiness what I should be striving for, or should I just be happy with my decisions? I talk of happiness as if I know what it is, but all I can say about the matter is that a smile has barely left my face since the Scottish laird made an appearance in my life. The English gentleman has caused me much pleasure, but it was more hedonistic, selfish and physical, not emotional.

How can I have fallen for another man in so short a time?

I fear I may be going round in circles. Falling for unsuitable or unavailable men because I know that the end is inevitable. It's almost as if I have a self-imposed destructive time-frame for my relationships. Either I make a human error, or indeed I find a flaw in my partner, or he leaves me; never mind that it is through no fault of his (or my) own.

Even after sharing rather harsh words the other night - the English gentleman has a tendency to act the part of a petulant child if he doesn't get his own way - I am making the effort to see him tomorrow. I owe him that much.

But my mind is made up. I am not choosing the Scottish laird for he is not around to be chosen, but instead I am choosing to be free of a man who is not right for me, whatever society dictates. Nothing short of a proclamation of love from the English gentleman will make me change my mind.


D. S.

5 comments:

  1. I have always told my daughter "no decision is still a decision dear". And it is. Not doing anything in a situation means the status quo remains, no matter how good or bad that may be. Is the Scottish gentleman really that unattainable? Does he live in another country? Probably so, that does make things difficult. Is he a seaman and away at sea all the time? Is he married? Is he spoken for? All these instances would make an end "inevitable" as you say. There is such a thing as "love at first sight" I believe, and then there's "chemistry" that's immediately noticeable from across a crowded room. But then, I am an old romantic who will never stop believing in "true love" and finding one's other half, your "soul mate". You said you were so happy with the Scottish chap; probably this is in direct contrast to how you feel around your English gent. Even the Englishman's "proclamation of true love" would not make you feel something for him that you clearly don't. Now you've had a taste of happiness, you've defined it for yourself, you like it, and you'll settle for nothing less. And yes, it is "happiness" we are all after. If you are not happy with your English gentleman, and it sounds as if you are not, then end it promptly and put an end to your unhappiness. Life and happiness is not just going through the motions daily...(Cont)

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  2. It is so much more. If your heart leaps at the sight of him, your body aches for him when he's away, you find yourself laughing in his presence, not crying, and you drink up the sound of his voice on the phone, this is what you're searching for. We all are, and it comes around but a few times in life. I've experienced that kind of love twice. The kind that is unforgettable. I think you've made your decision about the Englishman, that he's quite forgettable. Your words say nothing about starving to be near him, just to be with him. Your decision is made and rightly so. Never settle. The right one is out there. My mum always said "Ellen, get busy doing something you really love, and he will show up when you are busy at work on it". And I have always told my own daughter "Men are like shopping for new clothing. If you're in the dressing room trying something on, and it doesn't look quite right, don't talk yourself into it. Leave it there, and try something else". I hope this has been of some kind of help Duchess. Its just me talking off the top of my head!

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  3. Just a reminder Duchess, when the comment says @bookteachie, that is my old out-of-date name. I am @bayviewgirl now. Thanks! :o)

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  4. Duchess my dear,

    It is good to be free and to have time to yourself, but don't lock yourself away and throw away the key. Sadly, this is my mistake.
    Now I was wishing for the Scottish laird for you,but he is not around so that's that. I don't like the English gentleman there is something about him that just does not sit well with me. If he does give you a declaration of love to you, hopefully he will mean it and not just be saying it because he knows that's what you want to hear.

    Love Always,
    Misha

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  5. Darlings you are both far too kind!
    I know what my current resolve is, though I know that even with my declarations of bravery and my arrogant nature I am only human, and sometimes it seems easier to stay with a man you care nothing for than to stand alone.
    I sound like a cliché and I'm not afraid of being on my own, rather I am afraid of making the wrong decision. Because the English gentleman doesn't give second chances (much like the Captain) and there I fully made a mistake.
    I miss the Scottish laird but two months and 12,000 miles separate us... For now.
    Wish me luck darlings.
    Your one and only,
    Duchess of the Shire

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